Tag Archives: George W. Bush

April Fools: I’m the resider

BUSH/It’s the last day the April Fools edition of the paper, filled with wall to wall satire, is on the streets. Find your copy today!

Former president George W. Bush is reportedly looking at property in Portland’s west hills as a possible retirement home and a site for his beleaguered library.

The news of Bush’s move was tipped to the press after a tourist saw Bush and a real estate agent on the Pittock Mansion grounds. A spokesperson for Bush said that the former commander in chief has been speaking with several property owners in Portland’s west hills and has made an offer on at least two residential properties and a large tract of forested land. The properties are believed to be both for a private residence and his presidential library, which has been stalled in a legal dispute at its proposed site at Southern Methodist University in Texas.

“Mr. Bush has always felt an affinity with Portland,” said Pasty White, Bush’s spokesman. “He has always wanted to live near the city, remembering how welcoming the people were there.”
“Da f%@$ is he talking about?” asked Bill Admissen, a Portland vendor who dropped his stack of street papers when told of the news. “You sure he’s got the right Portland?”
Former president Bush’s father, former president Bush, dubbed Portland “Little Beirut” because of the violent uprisings the president incited with his visits. The younger Bush has said he has felt no such hostility from the city that once served up a $20,000-a-plate dinner for former vice president, Nixon operative and Halliburton multi-millionaire executive Dick Cheney. While visiting Bend three years ago to talk about Republican theories on forest management, Bush spoke fondly of Portland and said, pointing south, “That’s where I want to live someday: The City of Roses. Make those Rose Bushes.” And then he chuckled.

In conjunction with the library is the George W. Bush Policy Institute (It had been proposed as “The Freedom Institute,” but that name was scrapped because people associated the word “freedom” with freedom.) A spokesman for the project has said the institute will highlight Bush’s policies, including his principles for creating a thriving economy and world peace. It will also include lots and lots of horrific pictures from Sept. 11, 2001. Special focus areas might also include the administration’s landmark positions on torture, extraordinary rendition, warrantless wiretapping on Americans and the war in Iraq, which began six years ago and continues today.

White said she expects the Bush’s to make a final decision in the coming month.

By West winds Unemployed writer

Street Roots April Fools edition to sell out in a week – we’re ordering more!

april0309page111The Street Roots special April Fools edition is on the verge of selling out. Nearly 10,000 papers have been sold in just a week. We are ordering more.

The special edition is one of the newspapers most popular editions. The organization has received several letters to the editors and phone calls from many readers saying they read the paper cover to cover – laughing until they cried.

In the course of this edition we’ve also fielded numerous calls asking if former President Bush was really moving to Portland and if Executive Director Israel Bayer is leaving to take a job at the city to work on the sustainability of homelessness.

Inside this edition readers will find satire covering Portland’s City Hall, Ted Wheeler, secret lists, a private takeover of local prisons, life on Alberta, the stimulus package and much, much more including a story of how one homeless man turned his life around after being critiqued for his personal choices. For a quick sneak peak of the wall to wall satire in this edition on the streets we’re including our local Media Roundup:

– A Willamette Week intern asked Street Roots this week if money provided by the city of Portland for the Rose City Resource Guide is in fact being channeled to the mostly volunteer editorial board as a payoff. Questions arose after Street Roots claimed it could help facilitate communication among more than 350 social-service agencies and people experiencing poverty. The paper reported that Street Roots had in fact, “Sit. Lied. Rolled over. And fetched” for the payoff from City Hall.

– The Portland Mercury has decided to cover issues of poverty and homelessness without doing research on the subject for one-year. Mercury reporters told inquiring minds on their company blog that they are working circles around the Street Roots staff. One reporter blames Street Roots for not “manning up” and covering the issues he thinks the paper should be covering. “Why aren’t they just printing our stories on the front page?” he asked reporters.

– The Oregonian called to verify that homeless people are still, in fact, homeless.

– The Portland Monthly has decided to profile the Top Ten Reasons Why no one really gives a crap what the Portland Monthly says about the economy. Coming in at No. 1 was, “No one really does give a crap about what we say about the economy.”

– Several neighborhood newspapers have reported a homeless invasion of neighborhoods. One neighborhood leader told the Portland Sentinel that if any public housing was built in the area, they would post videos on YouTube of neighborhood activists ripping the hearts out of poor people at a public event. Editorials from various neighborhood newspapers agreed, after brokering a deal for sponsoring the event in exchange for three months of advertising. Various musicians around Portland agreed to play the YouTube event, saying, “We owe this to ourselves; we’re poor too.” Microbrews from local breweries and restaurants will be available at the event. Children and pets are welcome.

– KGW decided to air a special about how homeless people living out on the streets actually get wet during the rainy season. In an early morning investigative report, KGW found that 14 out of the 14 individuals they interviewed who had slept outside during Rainstorm 2009 actually woke up wet and miserable.

Extra! Extra!

april0309page11It’s April, and you know what that means! Rain and general tomfoolery are in the air. So check in with your neighborhood vendor and share a laugh. It’s the best thing to beat back the grey skies. Here’s what’s hitting the corners tomorrow:

Guess which president is eyeing Portland for a new home? None other than former president George W. Bush has been seen cruising the west hills and making a few offers.

Homeless teams courted for new Major League Soccer stadium. Organizers of the Homeless World Cup, an international sensation, are talking with the owners of the new Major League Soccer stadium about hosting regular events featuring teams of homeless players from around the world.

City Council spinning over new chairs: Commissioners take the new plush design and ergonomic comfort to heart as they test out the swivel features. Schawing!

Secret lists are all the rage: How Spokane, Seattle and other cities are testing out the potential of keeping the law under wraps.

So much money, so little sense: Information and money are flowing as fast as glacial bureaucracies will allow. A stimulating read.

This, and so much more than could possible fit into 16 pages, and yet we did it again! Grab yours while the ink is still damp – and before it gets soggy! Your vendor will thank you.