Tag Archives: April Fools

Media roundup: All the news that causes fits

An annual look at the highs, lows, and midland potential of our regions’ finest newsy source-like outlets:

The Oregonian has decided after several years of high-unemployment rates, thousands of foreclosures and a rising number of people on the streets to start reporting on the subject of housing and homelessness.

“After careful consideration,” a recent editorial from the Oregonian noted, “we realized that we do actually care about people who have lost everything. We’re not yet ready to blame the banks and still believe we shouldn’t raise taxes under any circumstances, but we do care.” Continue reading

Debate over new birth control plan for women

by Lunch Outing, Liberal Media

Congress scrambled this week to come up with a new federal birth control provision after facing criticism from thousands of women apparently unsatisfied by suggestions that they hold aspirin tablets between their knees, abstain until death or simply close their eyes and wish really hard not to get pregnant.
In an emergency hearing in the House, representatives listened to testimony from a diverse panel of women’s health experts, including everyone from a rich a 65-year-old man to a rich 54-year-old man to rich 73-year-old man. The politicians then debated how to best meet the needs of America’s women. Continue reading

TriMet grumblings and police to absorb human service cuts

TriMet, union grumble over retirement benefits

TriMet is crossing its axels in the hope that a proposal to put some limits on its union’s benefit plan for retirees will save a few dollars toward public fares.

TriMet is proposing to cut the transportation union’s so-called “jet-ski” provision that guarantees the recreational vehicle to all retired TriMet union members who can claim a connection to property within 50 miles of a traversable waterway. Continue reading

Housing advocates shoot selves in foot, offer homeless tours

Housing advocates point fingers, shoot selves in foot

Political staffers blamed housing advocates who blamed social service advocates who blamed homeless advocates for screwing up momentum for housing resources in Portland.

One group said the other groups weren’t tough enough, while another organization said other groups were being too soft. One group of people on the streets said being homeless was enough to qualify them to understand how to end homelessness, but hadn’t gotten around to it yet.

Government insiders scoffed at the idea, and said that the only way Portland could think about ending homelessness would be by giving complete control over to civic authority. Continue reading

Mayoral candidates: Do any of these people look familiar to you?

Street Roots talks with Mayoral candidate contenders for the City of Portland  — asking them views of everything that’s already been asked before.

Street Roots: How do you feel about the arts?

Eileen Brady: My grandmother loved the arts. I love the arts. The arts equal jobs. Yes to the arts.

Jefferson Smith: In a democracy, there has to be art and I’m pro-democracy. Think about all of the great artists that have captured democracy over the years. Art and democracy are fine tools for government.

Charlie Hales: If you think about it, I’m old enough to be art. I love myself. I love art. What was the question again?

Street Roots: Will you support a bike friendly agenda in Portland?

Jefferson Smith: In a democracy, there will be cycling and I’m very pro-democracy. Think about democracy like spokes in a wheel. You have to have a democracy to make the wheels turn.

Charlie Hales: Baking is great. It creates jobs and food, which are both good for business. I’m working on a sustainable baking program now. We need more green baking.

Eileen Brady: My family loves to cycle. I love to cycle, especially on the Esplanade. Yes to cycling. Continue reading

Leonard’s legacy unknown, looking for a sign

by Loo Portland, Need to go Service

Winding down his term on city council, Commissioner Randy Leonard has proposed a new sign, his final salvo in the imaging business, to grace the West Hills.

It will say: “West Hills.” Continue reading

Occupy Portland works on plan to increase homelessness

by Proud To Be An American, Folk Netwok

Occupy Portland protesters have decided to end homelessness by increasing the number of people living in tents citywide.

“We feel like it’s our duty to come out and get pneumonia with everyone else,” said one protestor studying economics at Portland State University. “We believe that solidarity means making homelessness an issue. So we’re going to become homeless too.”

One philosophy major with the group said most of the homeless organizations in Portland didn’t have a clue about homelessness, and if they wanted to really help they would protest their own organizations and start up an info tent in a park somewhere east of 82nd Avenue, where the real working class homeless live. Continue reading

Earthquake in Portland will be hell on earth

by Hopeful Fiction Writer , End of World news

When an earthquake happens at 9:03 a.m. on a Tuesday morning in Portland, it’s going to be really bad.

The bridges, gone. Roads, screwed. Water, not a chance. Hospitals, overwhelmed. Hospitals on the hill, forget about it. Cell phone service, none. Old Town, see ya! Northwest Portland, bye. Southwest Portland, maybe you’ll be OK. Maybe not though.

Local fiction writers are thought to be really excited about all of the possibilities of an earthquake in Portland, while health officials say it will be “hell on earth.”

Local scientists publicly say they hope the day will never come, but secretly hope that it happens sometime in their lifetime. Continue reading

Merry trip to IKEA nearly rips family apart

By Gladys Friday, Staff biter

A fun-filled day for the Anderson family nearly ended in child abuse charges and divorce.

“It started out great,” said mother, Lori. “We had been planning for months to get Jimmy and Suzie a new bedroom set.”

“We were all very excited,” said George the father of two, who had skipped his own breakfast to look at ESPN news while he fed and dressed the kids that fateful morning. Continue reading

Got a question? The managing editor has all the answers!

Dear Editor,

Love your paper but what happened to all the poetry?
— Trevor

All the poetry, Trevor? All of it?!? In my day, if someone bleated out poetry in the newsroom they were laughed out of the office in a gale of tobacco breath — as they should be! This isn’t a poetry book, Trev! This is journalism! Real, hard journalism, with gritty, unpoetic things in it! Judging by your Facebook page you look about 24, 25? Am I right? Tell you what, Trev. Let me buy you a drink, let a few Old Fashioneds loosen you up. Then I’ll show you poetry. Continue reading

Timbers and Sounders ax rivalry, promote peace

In an unprecedented press release taking MLS by storm, the Portland Timbers and Seattle Sounders have announced an end to their legendary rivalry, looking to lead by example in a new era of cooperation.

“This has been a long time coming, and has been in the works for over a year,” said a Timbers Army representative. Continue reading

Street Roots sheds all journalistic ethics, gives up

Welcome to the new edition of Street Roots. We have given up. You’ll see our apathy and disgust outlined in the next 15 pages of the newspaper. Due to the lack of good news happening in the world and our lack of ability to keep up with it, we’ve decided to change our format to a satirical platform.

Street Roots will now say whatever we want, whenever we want, attributing anything we want, to anyone we want. While newspapers across the city are cutting back, these changes will allow SR to be more competitive and cut as many journalistic corners as possible. Ethics? We’ve also decided nat 2 cpy edt anymore; either. Why?

“Newsrooms across the city are scaling back,” says Street Roots’ publisher. “We think this will help us cut our editorial costs significantly and compete with other newsrooms. Plus, Street Roots can actually start telling the truth about most of the horse-trading that actually makes this city run. It’s going to be one big sh*t-storm when it’s all said and done.” Continue reading

April Fools: Planning on a large investment? Call the director

Considering how flush readers are with money, and how the economy is on the uptick, Street Roots was thinking that now would be a good time to give to the organization.  We’re lucky to live in a city that still really hasn’t been all that affected by the economy, and we know there’s a lot of low hanging fruit on them trees, so please, with all the extra money laying around — maybe think about giving it to Street Roots this spring.

Like you, we’re feeling pretty flush too. Like the banks, we just want to be a little more flush before things get worse. While some organizations spend hundreds of thousands, sometimes millions of dollars and its still unclear what it is they exactly do, Street Roots operates on a budget of less than $200,000.

Wait. $200,000? I must have been reading the ledgers wrong, really? We’re not flush? My board president is going to be so pissed at me. Does this mean our readers are not flush either? I’m confused. I thought we were being stimulated … Continue reading

April Fools: NYC leaves PDX in Street Roots exclusive

It was an unlikely romance that captured all our hearts: the beautiful, glamorous, world-renowned New York City somehow fell in love with humble, quirky Portland, Oregon. No one expected the two cities to pair up, but once they did, it felt like destiny. But was it?

After years of quiet flirtation, New York and Portland started seeing each other in earnest early last year, and they weren’t afraid to show their affection to the world. New York sent Portland lavish gifts, such as Brooklyn 20-somethings and clothes that were actually fashionable, and wrote frequent public love letters to Portland in the Style and Travel sections of the New York Times. This was the real thing — or so it seemed.

In recent months, friends of the two cities tell us, Portland and New York have drifted apart. Speculation has been brewing over the reasons behind the split — Basic incompatibility? Fear of commitment? A hot, young town on the side? But the cities themselves have kept silent.

That is, until now. Street Roots recently sat down for an exclusive, no-holds-barred interview with New York City, and for the very first time, the bustling metropolis bared its soul about the courtship, the breakup and what the future holds.

Street Roots: Let’s start at the beginning. What first attracted you to Portland?

New York City: Oh, it wasn’t just one thing. I liked the trees. I liked the food carts. I liked dogs and the yoga. I liked those quirky striped socks Portland was always wearing. I felt kind of like a teenager with a crush again, you know? And I liked how really friendly and relaxed Portland always seemed — it balanced out the craziness in my own life. I was in kind of a weird place then, and Portland was exactly what I needed.

SR: We know what your relationship looked like in the papers, but what was Portland like in private? Were there problems we couldn’t see?

NYC: For the most part, Portland was great when we were together. It was really easygoing. We took walks along the waterfront, we watched independent films, we bought organic produce at the farmers market … and we would just sit around and talk for hours. Portland is a really great listener. I’d been with all these big, heartless, self-important cities before, and Portland was so nice in comparison.

But there were definitely problems, too, like the whole winter thing. I mean, I know seasonal depression is a legitimate medical problem, and I empathize with that. Sometimes it gets dark here, too, if you wander too far from Times Square. But it would be January or February, and Portland would just keep moping around the house, all pale and listless. It started to bring me down after a while.

And there were all these little things that made it seem like Portland didn’t really get me. Like, it kept on sending me roses all the time, and I thought, seriously? Roses? That’s nice, I guess, but it’s so … unoriginal. Continue reading

April Fools: PDX on verge of collapse after homeless people invade downtown

One of America’s cleanest cities is on the verge of collapse, after riff-raff, homeless people, and bored kids have taken over Portland.

While still cleaner and safer than most American cities— it’s feared that the Rose City is becoming a haven for the undeserving poor.

Homeless services providers supported by the city, policy wonks and the business community have recently blamed Street Roots and Sisters of the Road along with homeless people this week of being obstructionists — after the organizations ask the city not to sweep homeless people from under bridges.

“I’m telling you, SR and other groups are to blame for not only the filth, but also for the courts determining that laws we created to target homeless people are unconstitutional,” says one source at City Hall who asked not to be named. “They just get up in here and start preaching at everybody, saying homeless people shouldn’t be ticketed for sleeping, they should be allowed to be in public and exist — on sidewalks even. Can you believe that? Homeless people will actually show up to committee meetings and hearings and say the same thing. It makes it really hard for all of us to do our work.”

One homeless provider who asked to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject matter says, “We’re on track with the 10-year plan to end homelessness, and we only want what’s best for people on the streets. If SR and others want to do what’s best for Portland they would shut the hell up and sell their newspapers and feed people. It’s really hard to make backroom deals that help the ‘real’ homeless people, and to keep the streets clean when both of those organizations are running their mouths. At times, even joking about it.”

Part of the problem is being blamed on the youths.

Youths Gone Wild

At the forefront of the problem are the youths gone wild, specifically street youths who are thought to be under the influence of the devil, and the ‘80s hair metal band Skid Row. Their predecessors, the same ones who brought us things like jazz, beat poetry, rock-n-roll, ganja, acid, gayness, punk rock, skaters, hip-hop and now, complete anarchy, have now turned against the youth in an effort to rid them from downtown. Continue reading