TriMet grumblings and police to absorb human service cuts

TriMet, union grumble over retirement benefits

TriMet is crossing its axels in the hope that a proposal to put some limits on its union’s benefit plan for retirees will save a few dollars toward public fares.

TriMet is proposing to cut the transportation union’s so-called “jet-ski” provision that guarantees the recreational vehicle to all retired TriMet union members who can claim a connection to property within 50 miles of a traversable waterway.

TriMet estimates the adjustment to the union contract could save the public transit company $7 million over the next two years.

Union leadership has said TriMet can save the money elsewhere, and that the contract should be preserved so they can jet-ski on the weekends.

Advocates weighed in on the “jet-ski” provision, and on high salaries from TriMet leaders, saying consumers would pay the price. No one from either side listened, or cared.

Both TriMet and the union refused to comment on this story. It’s thought that both sides would comment soon, but for now, they were both out to lunch.

Police bureau to absorb human service cuts

The Portland Police Bureau is asking for an additional $5.2 million dollars in the upcoming city budget for mental health and social services, saying that if everyone else would just let them be in charge, the city would be swept clean of crime.

“We are tired of being put into the position of being social workers every day,” says a police spokesperson. “It makes sense that the police budget absorb any number of human services cuts that will take place. Our track record speaks for itself.”

After legislators with the State of Oregon slashed a number of social service programs, including assistance for homeless families in exchange for keeping as many prisons open as possible, the Portland Police say it’s time the city followed suit.

“Look, let’s be honest —those pencil pushing social workers and doctors with the health department don’t have a clue how to deal with people experiencing poverty,” says one insider with knowledge of the new proposal. “We learned in high school and community college how these kind of people think. It’s not pretty.”

It’s thought that overtime paid to the police to help addicts and people with mental health into the criminal justice system will one day time pay off. “Our plan is simple. We catch the bad guys, make them get clean or throw their ass in jail. It’s not complicated at all. It’s called public safety. Ever heard of it, Street Roots?”

The new plan is expected to catch at least 100 criminals and will help pad the pockets of the local district attorney’s office by tenfold.

Asked how this plan saves the city money over time and will help curb the large amounts of drugs and addiction in the community, one spokesperson said, “You just hate the police, don’t you? We don’t do anything right, do we? This conversation is over.”

Street Roots produces an annual satirical edition of the newspaper each year on April 1. Support your local neighborhood vendor today and have a laugh on us.

One response to “TriMet grumblings and police to absorb human service cuts

  1. Worked there 13 years and never heard of this! Doesn’t surprise me really but, it is a complete BS use $ for the few.

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