When an earthquake happens at 9:03 a.m. on a Tuesday morning in Portland, it’s going to be really bad.
The bridges, gone. Roads, screwed. Water, not a chance. Hospitals, overwhelmed. Hospitals on the hill, forget about it. Cell phone service, none. Old Town, see ya! Northwest Portland, bye. Southwest Portland, maybe you’ll be OK. Maybe not though.
Local fiction writers are thought to be really excited about all of the possibilities of an earthquake in Portland, while health officials say it will be “hell on earth.”
Local scientists publicly say they hope the day will never come, but secretly hope that it happens sometime in their lifetime.
Most Portlanders don’t have a clue what they’ll do, and expect that at least Walgreen’s will be open in case of a disaster.
“My emergency plan consists of a couple of Snicker bars and some Crystal Light,” said one reader interviewed for this story.
Poor people are expected to loot the hell out of the city in the case of an earthquake, most likely hitting the local Rent-A-Centers and R.E.I.
“Oh hell yeah, I’m going to hit the Rent-A-Center,” says one Street Roots vendor. “When they turn the power back on I’m going to have one big-ass TV.”
Officials in Portland insist they are ready for an earthquake, pointing to how well they have dealt with protests over the years.
“If people get out of control, we may not have enough bottled water, but we have pepper spray.”
One seismology professor at Oregon State says that if an earthquake happens in Portland, “It’s going to one earth-rattling event. Let’s hope that never happens (wink, wink).”
Street Roots produces an annual satirical edition of the newspaper each year on April 1. Support your local neighborhood vendor today and have a laugh on us.