April Fools: I’m the resider

BUSH/It’s the last day the April Fools edition of the paper, filled with wall to wall satire, is on the streets. Find your copy today!

Former president George W. Bush is reportedly looking at property in Portland’s west hills as a possible retirement home and a site for his beleaguered library.

The news of Bush’s move was tipped to the press after a tourist saw Bush and a real estate agent on the Pittock Mansion grounds. A spokesperson for Bush said that the former commander in chief has been speaking with several property owners in Portland’s west hills and has made an offer on at least two residential properties and a large tract of forested land. The properties are believed to be both for a private residence and his presidential library, which has been stalled in a legal dispute at its proposed site at Southern Methodist University in Texas.

“Mr. Bush has always felt an affinity with Portland,” said Pasty White, Bush’s spokesman. “He has always wanted to live near the city, remembering how welcoming the people were there.”
“Da f%@$ is he talking about?” asked Bill Admissen, a Portland vendor who dropped his stack of street papers when told of the news. “You sure he’s got the right Portland?”
Former president Bush’s father, former president Bush, dubbed Portland “Little Beirut” because of the violent uprisings the president incited with his visits. The younger Bush has said he has felt no such hostility from the city that once served up a $20,000-a-plate dinner for former vice president, Nixon operative and Halliburton multi-millionaire executive Dick Cheney. While visiting Bend three years ago to talk about Republican theories on forest management, Bush spoke fondly of Portland and said, pointing south, “That’s where I want to live someday: The City of Roses. Make those Rose Bushes.” And then he chuckled.

In conjunction with the library is the George W. Bush Policy Institute (It had been proposed as “The Freedom Institute,” but that name was scrapped because people associated the word “freedom” with freedom.) A spokesman for the project has said the institute will highlight Bush’s policies, including his principles for creating a thriving economy and world peace. It will also include lots and lots of horrific pictures from Sept. 11, 2001. Special focus areas might also include the administration’s landmark positions on torture, extraordinary rendition, warrantless wiretapping on Americans and the war in Iraq, which began six years ago and continues today.

White said she expects the Bush’s to make a final decision in the coming month.

By West winds Unemployed writer

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